Monday, December 19, 2011

The Worst Rock Albums Ever!

The Worst Rock Albums Ever!

It was while listening to a certain album not too long ago, I decided that the worst rock albums in the world needed their own list. Some people may notice that certain shit from the whole rap-rock era is missing, in particular albums by Limp Bizkit as well as forgotten bands like Twisted Method and Lifer, but the people who read this who’ve heard those records know they suck ass, so it’s time to introduce them to something new and even more excruciating. Now I don’t recommend tracking down these albums but if you must, be prepared to hear some of the worst rock music you could possibly think of. Be prepared for your ears to start bleeding!

20. Dance Club Massacre-Circle of Death (2008) [Not much can be said about this awful piece of shit except that it was one of many, many bands that tried to jump on the ‘deathcore’ wagon and failed miserably. The piece de resistance here is a twenty-seven minute version of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” Don’t say I didn’t warn you.]

19. Franz Ferdinand-You Could Have It So Much Better (2005) [One of the most hyped rock bands of the last 10 years hit the dreaded sophomore slump with a bunch of rock songs mixed with dance rhythms. Problem is they forgot to bring anything memorable to the table at all. You know things are bad when the only halfway decent song is the next to last track. No wonder it took them four years to come back with a third album that disappeared without a trace.]

18. Gutterboy-S/T (1990) [A bunch of guys from notable New York City hardcore bands decided to make some money and became a middle of the road alternative band that looked like a bunch of future rejects from “Jersey Shore.” There was absolutely nothing notable about this band or its bland music. But somehow, they were able to secure not one, but two major label deals. How? I’ll never know.]

17. Suicidal Tendencies-Still Cyco After All These Years (1993) [A collection of re-recordings of their debut album that was totally unnecessary. The originals were so slamming and kickass that even though the original is now back in print on CD and digitally, we’re still stuck with these tracks. The fact that the re-recording of the classic “Institutionalized” got nominated for a Grammy just shows that the Grammys don’t know shit about good music.]

16. Soul Asylum-Candy from A Stranger (1998) [By this point, they were down on their luck; so much so that they had to rerecord this album after the record company rejected it the first time around. They were so downtrodden that they forgot to bring any worthwhile songs. The best song, the title track, was left off the album and only appeared on their greatest hits. After this, they got dropped and went underground until their bassist died of cancer in 2004.]

15. Queens of the Stone Age-Era Vulgaris (2007) [Their second album without bassist Nick Oliveri and his absence shows on this record. Aside from “Make It Wit Chu,” there is not one notable song on this record. Other than that, there’s not really much else that can be said.]

14. Runner Runner-S/T (2011) [A quasi supergroup from Virginia, signed to David Letterman’s label and a lot of hype; you would think that’d transfer to something, but alas, it was all for nothing. They just turned into a shitty dance pop/rock band without a shred of irony. Such a waste of talent.]

13. Train-My Private Nation (2003) [Some of the worst, most inane lyrics I’ve ever heard on plastic. The lyrics were so bad that you tend to block them out to focus on the music but they keep coming back. The worst record in their entire catalogue; even the singles were bad.]

12. Coldplay-X&Y (2005) [They were so buoyed by the success of A Rush of Blood to the Head that they took a year and a half with Brian Eno and couldn’t come up with one damn thing. This was also when they got into dance music so they had remixes of several tracks but none of that made a difference. I was a pretty big Coldplay fan but there was nothing I could find to recommend it to anybody. That’s when you know a record sucks.]

11. Brokencyde-I’m Not a Fan, But the Kids Like It! (2008) [Worse than Bloodhound Gang, worse than Insane Clown Posse, this ‘band’ of ‘crunk-rockin’ retards have somehow become moderately popular by being racist, sexist and bigots all at the same time while defending what they do as art. Please, Frank Zappa was ruder than these guys but he was a genius, not a retard.]

10. Chris Cornell-Scream (2008) [Without a doubt, one of the best rock singers of all time decided it was time to try something new. So he decided to work with hip hop producer Timbaland and see what happened. And what happened was SHIT! Absolutely no one wants to hear Chris Cornell singing R&B with techno beats behind it with assistance from the guy in OneRepublic and Justin Timberlake. No wonder he reunited Soundgarden so quickly afterwards.]

09. Annotations of an Autopsy-Before the Throne of Infection (2008) [A grindcore band from the U.K. that wore their influences on their sleeves but forgot one important thing: originality! They just sounded like everything else that was around them but with shittier vocals. One of the worst metal records I’ve ever heard, period.]

08. Metallica-St. Anger (2003) [What more needs to be said about this record. Aside from “Frantic” and the title track, there isn’t one great track to recommend to anyone. No Solos??? What the fuck were they not drinking or smoking when they thought that was a good idea.]

07. Ministry-Rio Grande Blood (2006) [They used to be one of the- best industrial bands ever but when George W. Bush came into office, they just trashed him over and over again. The first record was okay but after two more and numerous remixes and shit, it just became too much to take. They rotted their fanbase with these records but oddly scored numerous Grammy nominations in the process. This was the last of them and thankfully they disbanded a year later.]

06. Weezer-Raditude (2008) [All anyone needs to know about this album by this once phenomenal band is three words: “Can’t Stop Partying.”]

05. Anthrax-Stomp 442 (1995) [They were one of the best metal bands around but after they lost their lead guitarist in 1994, they just suffered. Having to play all the guitars themselves, they struggled to come up with even one decent song and it wouldn’t be until 1998 that they were able to get their bearings back.]

04. Fishbone-Chim Chim’s Badass Revenge (1996) [After the loss of their lead guitarist and keyboardist, who were also their main songwriters as well as being dropped from Columbia Records, this band took it hard, very hard. Most of the album deals with the pressures of the major labels but they turn it into a racist thing, screaming ‘kill whitey’ on several tracks. Add in the absolutely horrible production courtesy of TLC producer Dallas Austin and you’ve got a recipe for absolute disaster.]

03. Mighty Lemon Drops-Sound…Goodbye to Your Standards (1991) [One of the most forgotten of all the British eighties alternarock bands. Reduced to working with their label’s staff producers, they forgot how to write a decent song or even record it with any emotion. Consequently, it flopped and after one more album, they disappeared into oblivion.]

02. The Cranberries-To the Faithful Departed (1996) [One of the best Irish bands of the last twenty years but they really stumbled with this record. They went heavier and more emotion but asides from “Salvation” and “Free to Decide,” they couldn’t come up with anything exciting or interesting. They even titled one song “I Just Shot John Lennon” to gather some press. It was awhile before they were able to climb back from this disaster.]

01. Oasis-Be Here Now (1997) [If anyone wants to hear what cocaine sounds like on plastic, throw this piece of shit on and you’ll be able to hear in glorious shit-tone. Two songs over ten minutes and the rest at least over five. Absolute shit brought to you by the Gallagher brothers, both of whom have pretty much disowned this record.]

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