Monday, May 9, 2011

The 100 Worst Songs Ever!

The 100 Worst Songs Ever!

This is a personal list of a bunch of the shittiest songs ever known to mankind, in my opinion as well as some very knowledgeable friends. Some people may wonder why songs like "Rico Suave" and "I'm Too Sexy" are not on this list and the reason is that everyone knows those songs suck; why not create a list of songs that some people have never heard or might not think are shit and that's what I did. So, after reading this list, please go and download all these songs or view them on YouTube and let the debating begin!

100. D.I.-Pervert Nurse (1985) (Suggested by Casey Clabough) [A simple, but yet quite filthy pop punk song from second generation Hardcore punk band.]
99. Dan Fogelberg-Run for the Roses (1981) [A song about the Kentucky Derby, how much more saccharine can you get?]
98. Serj Tankian-The Sky is Over (2007) [A chorus that makes no sense at all from one of the more inventive lyricists of the whole post-KoRn era.]
97. Dust for Life-Step Into the Light (2000) [Probably the worst Alice in Chains/Creed rip-off I’ve ever heard and they were signed to Creed’s label.]
96. Funland-Dump Me (1994) [A never released track from a Texas pop band whose biggest notoriety came when their guitarist was stolen by the Toadies.]
95. Transplants-Diamonds & Guns (2002) [Probably best known as ‘the shampoo song,’ a song that brought down Tim Armstrong of Operation Ivy/Rancid in a split second. Next stop: writing a song for Pink in ’03. Sad, Sad, Sad.]
94. Jesse Camp & the 8th Street Kidz-See You Around (1999) [Former MTV VJ who thought he could sing; if you’ve ever heard this guy, you will wonder how the hell anyone thought he could carry the slightest tune.]
93. Daughtry-It’s Not Over (2006) (Suggested by Tyler Mickley) [Not a bad guy, but if you want to lead a ‘rock’ band, don’t go to Nickelback land.]
92. Kylie Minogue-Loco-Motion (1988) [All the sexiness and catchy Euro dance songs will never replace this trashy remake from the big hair eighties.]
91. Phil Collins-Sussudio (1985) [The title says it all, don’t it?]
90. KoRn-Shoots and Ladders (1994) [All they did was take nursery rhymes and put it to a metal beat. Even worse than the terrible cover of “Word Up.”]
89. Incubus-Dig (2006) [Trying to sell themselves to housewives, they went waaayyy too pop and almost ruined themselves.]
88. Styx-Mr. Roboto (1983) [A song about a seemingly Japanese robot in the eighties; this is why hair metal had to happen.]
87. 3OH3! & Ke$ha-My First Kiss (2010) [Two talentless college dropouts hooked up with the flavor of the moment, auto-tuned the hell out of it and surprise! Scored a top ten hit. LAME!]
86. Bay City Rollers-Shang-A-Lang (1974) [Way worse than “Saturday Night;” this proves that songwriters for hire will write anything whether it makes since or not.]
85. Charlie Sexton-Beat’s So Lonely (1985) [He was a Texas blues prodigy but you would never, ever know it by this frothy, poppy piece of shit that was clubbed to death by keyboards.]
84. Toby Keith-Who’s Your Daddy? (2002) [Had to pick something by this idiot and this was another country song that just jumped the bandwagon of (then) popular sayings.]
83. Staind-So Far Away (2003) [These guys are millionaires so why are they still singing like miserable kids in high school who can’t get a date?]
82. The Offspring-Kristy, Are You Doing OK? (2008) [By this point in time, you couldn’t even call them a punk band. When I heard this being played on pop radio and not on rock radio, I knew it was over for them.]
81. Madonna-American Life (2003) [Trying to keep up with the teenagers, she began rapping about coffee and being satisfied, and then she moved to London and became a moronic housewife.]
80. Milli Vanilli-Girl You Know It’s True (1989) [Ooh, ooh, ooh, I love you. NOT!]
79. Heart-All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You (1990) [They used to be one of the coolest rock bands around them but when outside songwriters got a hold of them, it was all over. It was only after fifteen years or so, that they were able to restore some of their creditability.]
78. Spice Girls-Wannabe (1996) [We can thank them for encouraging teenage girls to buy music for the next decade. Thanks again, assholes.]
77. Creed-Don’t Stop Dancing (2001) [It was amazing they could even tour behind this saccharine piece of shit. Maybe this was the reason Scott Stapp became a blithering alcoholic.]
76. Paramore-Decode (2008) [Emo + Vampires + teenage girls=What the FUCK???!!!]
75. Bon Jovi & Jennifer Nettles-Who Says You Can’t Go Home (2006) (Suggested by Aaron Enright) [Picking one of the most annoying country singers to revive your career might’ve worked at the time but you’ll always have to live with this song.]
74. Rick Astley-Never Gonna Give You Up (1987) [“Hey Rick, you know that annoying sound you’ve been looking for? Well listen to this!”]
73. Sisqo-Thong Song (1999) [Dumps like a truck will never redeem this song nor the ‘fad’ that some women insist on still carrying on today.]
72. Hoobastank-Inside of You (2006) [Probably the sappiest band ever trying to get some street cred back with a double entendre straight out of the eighties.]
71. Poison-Cry Tough (1985) [Speaking of the eighties, a glam band singing about crying and they’re not Bon Jovi, what the hell were they thinking?]
70. Miley Cyrus-7 Things (2008) [Including her also means including everything by Billy Ray Cyrus and Metro Station. Why oh why, did Billy Ray Cyrus ever have to have so many damn kids?]
69. Celine Dion-Love Can Move Mountains (1992) [Go back and listen to this song and you’ll realize it is worse than “My Heart Will Go On.” Go on, I dare ya!]
68. The Early November-Hair (2007) [The first single off a concept-heavy triple album talking about ‘love your shoes, love your hair?’ No wonder they broke up about a year later.]
67. ABBA-Dancing Queen (1977) [Need I say more?]
66. Train-Calling All Angels (2003) [Some of the most inane lyrics ever and that’s the only reason it’s here; if it was instrumental, it would’ve been an okay song.]
65. Cobra Starship-Good Girls Go Bad (2009) [Thank you for allowing Leighton Meester of “Gossip Girl” to achieve her ‘dream’ of becoming a ‘pop singer.’ Thank you very much.]
64. Sugarland-Baby Girl (2004) [One of the strangest concoctions for a country group ever: a washed up rock star, a lesbian and one of the most nasally vocalists since Janis Joplin. But what do you know, they became a hit right out of the gate with this type of shit.]
63. Hawthorne Heights-Ohio is for Lovers (2004) [One of the gothiest, moodiest songs ever and it’s not Cannibal Corpse or Cradle of Filth, it’s a pop-punk band from Ohio.]
62. Counting Crows & Vanessa Carlton-Big Yellow Taxi (2002) [Apparently, people don’t realize that Joni Mitchell has hundreds of better songs to cover. And Vanessa Carlton’s contribution: a bunch of ‘ooh bah bah bah’s.” Total shit.]
61. Michael Bolton-Can I Touch You…There? (1995) [EWW, NO, you no-talent assclown!]
60. Debby Boone-You Light Up My Life (1977) [The measure by which all pop mush is measured. Thanks for this Pat Boone!]
59. Todd Rundgren-Bang the Drum All Day (1983) [Total genius and this is his biggest hit. Must’ve been running low on creativity that day.]
58. Saigon Kick-All I Want (1992) [One of the coolest hair metal bands ever and one of the worst power ballads I’ve ever heard.]
57. Fishbone-Drunk Schizo (1993) [If you want to hear a talented rock band having a real mental breakdown on record, then go listen to this and other tracks from the confusingly titled Give A Monkey a Brain and He’ll Swear He’s the Center of the Universe.]
56. Willow Smith-Whip My Hair (2010) [Apparently, it doesn’t take much to create a hit nowadays, does it?]
55. Jewel-Intuition (2003) [A folk singer goes electronic pop; no wonder everyone forgot about her after this.]
54. Kiss-I Was Made for Lovin’ You (1979) [Disco was the baddest thing of the seventies and by the end, it was even bringing down some of the best rock bands around.]
53. Panic! At the Disco-I Write Sins Not Tragedies (2005) [I hate emo so much and songs like this are why.]
52. Weezer & Lil’ Wayne-Can’t Stop Partying (2008) [Off their most schizophrenic record ever and apparently something the rest of the band didn’t agree with Rivers Cuomo about.]
51. Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five-The Birthday Party (1980) [Had to hear this at work every day for six months and by the end, everyone wanted to smash the radio to pieces.]
50. Hinder-Lips of an Angel (2005) [Proof that ‘cock rock’ was shitty in the eighties and was even shittier in the 21st century.]
49. Keyshia Cole-Make Me Over (2008) [Not sure if this is about a love makeover or an actual makeover but she must’ve felt ugly when she wrote this.]
48. Papa Roach-I Almost Told You That I Loved You (2009) [They used to be a really heavy rock band, now they wear eyeliner and sing about fucking, constantly. Hard to believe their drummer used to be in Unwritten Law.]
47. Good Charlotte-I Don’t Wanna Be In Love (2007) [Used to be a decent pop-punk band but when they started experimenting with keyboards and shit, it was all over.]
46. Hammer-2 Legit 2 Quit (1991) [Probably the most egotistical song I’ve ever heard; the title is repeated enough times to where suicide seems to be the only way to stop it.]
45. Red Hot Chili Peppers-Charlie (2006) [The worst song they’ve ever done and that’s overlooking “Yertle the Turtle." It’s amazing they could get this poppy and happy and not have anybody notice.]
44. Fergie-Fergalicious (2006) [It was between this and “London Bridge,” but this song is just so inexplicable in its creation that it defies reason.]
43. Christina Aguilera-Dirrty (2002) [Going from a sweet, almost innocent girl to an absolute whore in a millisecond? Welcome to the land of pop music.]
42. The Ready Set-Love Like Woe (Suggested by Josh Mickley) (2010) [People need to stop using keyboards and the Internet to start a launching a career.]
41. Never Shout Never-Big City Dreams (2010) [Probably one of the most pathetic excuses for a ‘rock band’ that I’ve ever come across. Teenage girls need to start finding some better music.]
40. WHAM!-Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go (1984) [Can you get any more unintentionally cheesy if you tried?]
39. Lil’ Kim & Sisqo-How Many Licks? (2000) [I would much rather get to the center of Tootsie Roll Tootsie pop than the center of Lil’ Kim’s ‘”uhh.”]
38. Nickelback-Far Away (2005) (Suggested by Aaron Enright) [Picking one song by them is so damn hard, but most of the really crappy songs all came from the same record, All the Right Reasons, so this was easy.]
37. Black Sabbath-No Stranger to Love (1986) [Some people love this song but it is impossible to believe that this is the same band (with an altered lineup) that did “Hand of Doom” and “Electric Funeral.”]
36. Gwen Stefani-Hollaback Girl (2004) [Yes, this shit really is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S]
35. Carrie Underwood-Before He Cheats (2006) [This song wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t been played to death on every damn format you could imagine.]
34. Duck Sauce-Barbara Streisand (2010) [An underground dance ‘hit’ where the only words are inexplicably ‘Barbara Streisand.’ No one can figure out its meaning]
33. Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page-Come with Me (1998) [Where Puffy started falling off, roping in Jimmy Page to play the riff of “Kashmir” while he rapped about god knows what. All brought to you by that blockbuster smash “Godzilla.”]
32. Bloodhound Gang-The Bad Touch (2000) [One of the stupidest and sophomoric songs to ever become a hit.]
31. 30 Seconds to Mars-From Yesterday (2005) [Jared Leto and his eyeliner-wearing followers need to be like Lemmings and leap off a fucking cliff and leave rock music alone.]
30. Trace Adkins-Honky Tonk Badonkadonk (2005) [A country singer singing about a hip-hop term, sure, it’ll sell to a white audience.]
29. Katy Perry-I Kissed a Girl (2008) [Why would they sell this song to pre-teen girls who are so impressionable they’ll believe anything they hear on the radio is cool.]
28. Insane Clown Posse-Fuck the World (1999) [No, fuck you instead.]
27. Glee-Need You Now (2011) [The show is bad enough but when they start doing country songs and think that it’s cool, then that’s when the show needs to be cancelled and everyone ends up jobless.]
26. Lady Gaga-Poker Face (2009) [There so much of her to tear apart, so why not begin with her first ‘hit?’]
25. Christina Aguilera, Mya, Pink & Lil’ Kim-Lady Marmalade (2001) [So many whores, so little talent.]
24. Avenged Sevenfold-Bat Country (2005) [God rest his soul, but the drumming is phenomenally awful and the entire song sounds like it was put together with a computer.]
23. Barenaked Ladies-Another Postcard (2003) [They were a really good band but when they started singing about ‘another postcard with chimpanzee, and everyone is addressed to me,’ that’s when the country knew they were done.]
22. Janelle Monae-Lettin’ Go (2006) [A Mary J. Blige knock-off and all she does here is whine about being let go from her job and staying out all night. Please.]
21. Mr. C the Slide Man-Cha Cha Slide (2000) [Probably the single most annoying dance of the 21st century, besides the Dougie, of course but nobody remembers that song.]
20. Aqua-Barbie Girl (1997) [“Come on Barbie, let’s go party.” Yeah, right to the unemployment line.]
19. Baha Men-Who Let the Dogs Out? (2000) [It’s so funny that it took the country almost a decade to realize they were talking about ugly women and not actual dogs. That’s pop music for you.]
18. Los Del Rio-Macarena (1996) [The worst dance of the last century that was driven into the ground by its seemingly never-ending popularity. Thank God it’s all over now.]
17. Dukes of Windsor-No Disguise (2008) [An Australian pop song that was heard at work for almost a year with seemingly random lines like ‘We walk across that line, we wear no disguise.’ What the hell are you talking about?]
16. Britney Spears-Sometimes (1999) (Suggested by Brian Shareff) [Let’s go back to a time when she sang songs that were written by other people and she couldn’t carry a note to save her pitiful life.]
15. Rednex-Cotton Eyed Joe (1994) [If anyone remembers this piece of shit, then God help them.]
14. Jennifer Lopez-Jenny from the Block (2002) [One of the few times that a non rapper will sing about hypocrisy. We all know damn well that she lives in the Hollywood hills and probably hasn’t seen a ‘block’ in almost twenty years.]
13. Limp Bizkit-Behind Blue Eyes (2003) [Without a doubt, the worst cover song ever. EVER! Why Townsend gave permission is this is a complete mystery.]
12. Jason Aldean-Big Green Tractor (2009) [Probably the stupidest country song ever made and by a guy who sounds like he was picked out of the extras from “Deliverance.”]
11. Justin Bieber & Ludacris-Baby (2010) [Why do Canadians have to keep giving us shit and then never taking it back???]
10. Moloko-Fun for Me (1995) [A forgotten song, thank God. Towards the end, the frontwoman sounds like she’s saying ‘vote for me.’ Truly a mind-boggler.]

09. Starship-We Built This City (1985) (Suggested by Tyler Mickley) [It’s hard to believe they used to be a good band. This song ruined them forever and they’ll never be able to forget about it.]

08. Oasis-All Around the World (1997) (or practically anything off Be Here Now) [One of the worst albums of all time and this song is almost ten minutes of Beatles rip-offs and other shit. This is the sound of cocaine on CD.]

07. Black Eyed Peas-My Humps (2005) [Why people think they’re such a great group will forever remain a mystery.]

06. Ke$ha-Tik Tok (2009) [Just think, if it wasn’t for AutoTune, we wouldn’t have to deal with shit like this. That would be such a great thing.]

05. Eminem-Ass Like That (2004) [You knew something was going on with his mental state when he decided that this would be a great song. No wonder he entered rehab shortly thereafter.]

04. Rebecca Black-Friday (2011) (Suggested by Brandon Powers and Richie Bavis) [A new addition! She’s only thirteen but she’s already created the worst song of the last five years. Way to go asshole!]

03. Ashlee Simpson-La La (2004) [“You make me wanna la la, in the shower, in the kitchen. I’ll be your French maid…” What the fuck????]

02. R. Kelly-Ignition (Remix) [I don’t give a fuck what anyone says, this song is absolutely disgusting and you ever wanted proof he did nasty shit in the bedroom, here’s the proof right here.]

01. LFO-Summer Girls (1999) [Come on, everybody sing: “New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick and I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer. I like girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch, I take if I had one wish, but she’s been gone since that summer.” AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!]

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